Fire in the Sky

If you can tell me what it's like to die, I can tell you what it's like to be alive.

Keeping My Head Above Water

With bf in tow, a six pack of Hamm's and Away We Go I embarked on my last night as a resident of Lincoln Park.

Away We Go was precious. It was a story about messy, complicated, and beautiful human love.

The last thing I needed to watch was a movie about love. But I'm in love with love, and I don't mind letting it tug at the secret parts of my soul. Love has made me a better person. Tonight I felt it moving all around me. Tonight I didn't feel so scared and alone. But enough of that.

I'm going to miss Lincoln Park. I'm going to miss the young hobo that I would bring books to and the couple that was always cuddling on the lobby couch every night I passed by a little too late at night, I'm going to miss walking down to the beach and all the things that have transpired there, I'm going to miss dropping into the zoo for a few minutes, and the doormen, and the ticket taker at the movies who always made my heart flutter and never made me feel weird about seeing movies by myself, I'll miss the convenience of the city, the pushy joggers, getting cookies from Adera, and the old man whose twin brother died. I'm even going to miss sleeping on the couch. I'm going to miss walking down to Sultan's, that cheap and wonderful thrift shop, the brownstones, Oz Park, meeting up with the Grocer for walks around the pond, and of course play dates with Theresa and Sophia. I'm going to miss a lot that a suburban nanny could never experience. But I think that for this last month I need the white noise of the boring suburbs to calm my soul before the big leap.

"But try waking up every morning and loving the world all over again. That's what takes a real hero."

I want to be your hero.

The Depth I've Never Felt

As per a conversation I had last night over milkshakes and records ...

I wonder how much of my life I've wasted texting?

One Flew East One Flew West

I just finished One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. It made me feel all sorts of poles of emotions. That combine that the chief speaks of in the book really exists. It is every establishment and the parts of our brains that have been fashioned out of those same parts. But the opportunity to throw a wrench at the combine or slow it down so people can see just what runs them exists too, and every simple victory is worth celebrating. I'm not talking about going to some demonstration or hosting a food not bombs, while those are all great things they work outside the combine.

I'm talkin' bout McMurphy. His subtle ways of championing the underdog and snubbing the inner machinations made all the other residents brave enough to see that life outside the combine. Because seeing is believing. In the end it cost him, but he always knew it would. Because everything worth living for comes with a price. The combine will always exist and it's always going to tug away at your soul, but it takes strength and a little bravado to live a full life without regrets, a life of resistance. Because when we can overcome things bigger than ourselves we become bigger. And sometimes it even feels good too!

I dunno. After I finished reading it I got the intangible feeling I got when I finished Troutfishing in America. So I do believe this one goes on the top twenty list. Huzzah. I cannot wait to watch the movie!

Next up on the docket: The Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison and two books about teaching.

RRRRRRRip

Too early for a memorial dance party?


















By the way, today at the beach I got stung by a bee. I forgot how much that hurts. :(

The Boy Who Could Fly

I want to know this man. I want to sit down with him and say, "You are beautiful in every way. Let's drink tea and play scrabble." No expectations no promises no pressure. He seems brave, no? ----------->
I forgot where I got this picture from. Sorry.

Last night was steamy and pleasant. I got to see good music and good friends and sure I had to bite my lip not to cry a little, but I'm trying to get better at living with that empty space. I'm trying to fill that gaping hole with music and books and lovely sweaty people.

Bah the month of July makes me feel so stressed to even think about.

BUT I just downloaded the Andrew W.K. discography so I think we'll all be okay.

Right?

What's Your Name. They Don't Care.

So this weekend was real nice and I don't work today so it feels even better. But I don't think I'm going to wear high heels for another five years! I ran into so many people this weekend at the weirdest places: Sparx Girl at a wedding, Sparx Boy at train station waiting for a different Sparx Girl for picnic (M&D are one of my more fave couples that exist), my cousin on my dad's side on train whom I hadn't spent time with since I was a little girl crawling under the table while they all played dominos, and finally my all through elementary school on again off again first boyfriend of all time (and his mom) on the streets of Chicago.

Weird town.

Father's day was nice and I know my papi doesn't read this or even know what blogger probably even is, BUT I appreciate you more than you can possibly understand. I wish I had about a thousand more ways to show it.

Last night after my farewell (she's back to LA) bike ride with T. I drove around way longer than the length it took me to drive home. I listened to mix c.d.s and felt the summer smack into my face. The skeeters were out and so were the lightening bugs. I pulled into the parking lot of the "Solid Rock" church, jumped on the giant trampoline for a little while, and then I just laid on that taut black fabric looking up at the night sky. The notions that flung through my mind were worthy of a poetic anthology, but when I whipped out my little black notebook I wrote just one sentence.

Today I spent the majority of the day painting with my mom and lil sis while listening to Johnny Cash in a tiny enclosed space, and then I spent the rest of the day riding my bike along the trail all free and sweaty and wild like listening to everything else.

Tomorrow I go to The Museum of Science & Industry! I've been trying to go to this museum for like two years, so I'm pretty jazzed. Fun times. Weird times. Sad times. Summer times.

I'm a dreamer. I'm a schemer. Ima fraidy cat. Maybe I should be a Lemur.

• I'd really like it to stop raining.

• I'd really like to make it to the crimethinc convergence this year. My number of radical friends dropped drastically whence I was deemed single. I don't want to be socially lazy anymore (among other forms of laziness). I need to make connections with people that are like minded to remind me to keep moving and not go stagnant in my idealistic frustrations. So I guess I need to, "Up the Punx" in my life. ha ha.

• I'd really LOVE if the people who I ordered my glasses from would call me and tell me they are in so I can wear them and see the world clearly, because maybe it would help me see myself more clearly (who knows)?

Anywho:
I am halfway through One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest and consequently discussing a really sad mental health case my boss is currently prosecuting, and the combo of the two are forcing me to reevaluate my thoughts on the human psyche. Mental illness is a really complex and traditionally misunderstood disease. At what point does emotional stress become a disease that so alters the patient that they cannot (or should not) be held responsible for their actions? Every doctor knows the basic outline of treating a cancerous tumor, but even within the world of mental health there are several schools of thought with numerous approaches on how to treat this very dynamic disease. Also, the combo of nature and environment that causes mental illness intrigue me as well. As does the way America treats its mentally ill. Out of sight out of mind. Eff that noise. I don't know, I'm interested.

My apologies, today's entry has absolutely no continuity, much like my life these days! Oh well oh well!

EDIT: I just ate a bowl full of cherries ... and now I have a tummy ache!! Ha ha, go fig. Alas, it stopped raining and they called about my glasses! Here are some loverly videos that make me feel optimistic and summery:


Holy moly, this song is so catchy and makes me feel like going out and dancing! I lurve Karen O!


A classic.


Because this video is so damn summery, and because I miss you.


Self-explanatory goodness!

People move me. Yeah they really get me going.

Themes on The Odyssey

I need to have more courage. Last night was a pretty rough night and I'm not sure why, but I don't like feeling like this. Some days when all of my fear comes to a head I find myself living in the past and in the future.

Two periods that can do nothing for me today.

I'm tired of feeling mopey and squinty eyed. This weekend I will wear glasses and a pretty dress and dance with a cute grocer and hopefully have lots of fun. Boy, do I love weddings.

Also, Colbert shaved his head, whaaaa!? His left ear is folded down and makes him look like an orc. It makes me giggle.

Here is a blog that makes me smile. Beautiful baby mama, engaging papa. Someday I think I need to write extensively about the coolness of this series, but for now you should just check it out. Here is another cool blog about people trying not to be lazy and get - shit - done! (I can relate oh man can I relate). It inspired me to make a list with little check boxes of all the projects I want to get done before I leave. Speaking of leaving ...

I finally sent off my list of official documents (at the jaw dropping price of 70 bones, damn you FedEx) and if all that business checks out I get my contract and I will know the exact date I will be leaving. Ahhhhh. This shit is crazay, and it is thusly making me crazay. Must maintain extremely fragile grip on emotions.

Must live in the present. I think I'm going to make a blanket bed and cuddle up with the floor tonight. Must get a good night of sleep. Must not worry about stuff that is out of my control.

So Much Water

This weekend I learned a lesson about unconditional love.
And saw many old darling friends.
And rolled in grass with dogs and hunted down run away cats.
And drank beer.
And ate two bites of jell-o at two a.m.
And walked a few miles from a broke down car with a smile on my face.


This weekend felt summery.

Now, I'm all tuckered out.

<3